TENGA: the sex egg for men [insert some kind of joke about beating and eggs here]

Poor The Men. Whilst we have sex toys that wouldn’t look out of place on your mantelpiece, sex toys that can be programmed to hit your very personal spot and sex toys that you might accidentally mistake as for some kind of End of the World button, they have to put up with eggs.

And not only eggs, but bloody expensive eggs. In fact, since these are one use only, and they cost £60 for six, I’m reliably informed that works out at £10 a go. Each egg can be split open to reveal a textured inner, which slips over the body part in question. There are waves, ‘nodules and nubs’ and a spider web pattern, although it’s probably best not to get bogged down in thinking about arachnids whilst you’re spending £10 per self-pleasuring incident.

According to the site, it’s perfect for women to buy for ‘husbands or boyfriends when they cannot have sex’. I can see it now – “Sorry darling, a bit of a headache tonight. Have this carton of eggs instead’. You should also be aware that the site also says “Please do not drink. We will not be responsible for any accidental ingestion.”. No eggnog here then.

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