WRONG APP: App records your period so your boyfriend can work out what mood you're in

Um I don’t know if writing about apps like this only makes it worse – but here we are, writing about Code Red – an app that lets your boyfriend work out what your mood is by keeping track of your menstrual cycle.

It’s just going to encourage the notion in guys that women can be understood and interacted with via software programmes. And also the notion that women are slaves to the hormonal wheel of menstruation. WELL it may be partly true.

But that is not going to stop me tearing into it like I’m on my period. I’m not, fyi.

There are actually lots of menstrual calendar apps out there but they’re largely aimed at women for the obvious reason of helping them plan and understand themselves better.

I mean I suppose it’s good that guys keep themselves better informed about how we’re feeling, but I just don’t know that this is the right way to do it.

So this is how the app works – input the date she starts getting her period one month: and then app sends you helpful tips about how she’s feeling for the next however long… presumably until you split up or she hits the menopause.

They go like this:

Smooth Sailing Alert – Lets you know that conditions are stable
Horny Alert – Lets you know when the goings are good
PMS Alert – Lets you know when to take cover in the trenches
Ovulation Alert – Lets you know when she’s prime to procreate
Code Red Alert – Warns you that the Her-ricane is coming

It also features google map links to nearby retailers to buy recommended consumer good to help with whatever stage of the cycle she’s at.

I softened to it after reading that women were involved in the production of this app:

“Code Red is the brain child of Pro Surfer and Humanitarian Jon Rose, and was facilitated through development by husband & wife team Kevin and Lisi Harrison. Kevin & Lisi have been happily married for fifteen years. After more than 180 menstrual cycles and the recurring stress that always followed, they wanted a way to help alleviate their shared aggravation over the monthly house guest.

“Developed by men and women for the benefit of each other, MEDL Mobile and this resilient couple are excited to create this great app and the many benefits it will bring.”

Obviously, if you’ve only got an Android or a Blackberry, the alternative way to work out whether your girlfriend or female friend is suffering the trials of PMT is to sensitively ask her about how she’s feeling, and perhaps take some cues from her behaviour. Really, if you’re going out with her – you’ll probably know when she’s on her period anyway, amirite?

$0.99 from iTunes